I started watching episode 1 of we are married just last night and I'm hooked! Into the 6th episode now and it simply amazes me what couples can do by just giving in to one another. Its always those softer moments that melts all the anger, unhappiness and grudges they have for each other. Just like my sister and I when we are angry at each other or when parents can be scolding you but hurting on the inside.

I love moments like these cause they do show the true feelings of that person. I do act like them at home but become a zombie when I'm outside. Yes - I don't feel comfortable with myself everytime once I'm out of the doors of myself. In front of strangers I feel superior and try not to let anything spoil my mood because there's always someone fatter, prettier or less poised than I am. I compare myself to the worst in order to feel superior. But I just can't do that when I'm with friends. They always look so much better, slimmer, happier and worry about school stuff. I feel old already. It's difficult to compare myself with them nowadays. They are like freshly bloom flowers while I am on the wilting stage without even getting into full bloom. How's that possible? And believe me, if your heart feels old your face shows you are old. I can't believe I'm only 22. No one would believe I'm 22. Sad!

I'm trying to change all these. I get jealous seeing thin girls, but hey, why couldn't I be slim like them? Many have done it and Krystal is really the best role model I can have. But I lack determination and drive... remember the getting old part?

Moreover, eating sweets and chocolates gives me a sense of security and drives me out of self-pitying. It's much like my mum and dad or my teddy bears at home.

Anyway, after 6 episodes, I wonder what married life is like for every person and what is the meaning of marriage for everyone. I guess its different for everyone but there was this perfect couple in the show - Alex & Sinae. Maybe that's how marridge should work. I don't feel that they are doing it because of the show but because they really care for one another. They were just strangers a few days ago and all of a sudden the sparks start to fly. I think I am so much like Sinae: introvert, difficulty in opening up to people, shy in front of guys. But there are differences of course, I put on brave front in front of guys, cannot stand guys running girls down, fatter than Sinae and do not know how to express myself well. It is so difficult to communicate with others lately I feel I should attend some socialising courses. I don't even feel I should make an effort to change when I dislike myself like that. I need to experience a trauma in order to change - at least Sharon thinks so. I asked her if I were to change to become very chatty all of a sudden what would she think. She replied she would think that either I am undergoing a difficult period or am crazy for changing so much. So there goes... even I concur with her thinking. But I'm not like that at home... weird... why can't i be comfortable with myself???

Buck up! I can do it! At least most of my friends think so... I am not as strong as I may look but I definitely can act like I am. Only those close friends would know that. I didn't know they could read me like a book and am suprised they know me sometimes better than I know myself...

I miss my sister. Not that I am not used to sleeping on a big bed alone (that I can get used to anytime!). But just now when I gave out the sticky sweets I bought from clarke quay, I felt one person was missed out and only that one person is not eating the same sweet at the same time. Families do the same things at the same time almost all the time. Just look beside you, you can be watching the TV in the exact same posture; eating the same food with the same movements or expressions; buying groceries together and each has a differnt responsibility like picking fvegetables and fruits while the rest goes for the fish, meat or egg. Its moments like these that makes my life beautiful. I keep to myself and have very little close friends and colleagues. I dunno what to say to normal colleagues as we have not been throught the same things in our working life. I am lucky to be going home early all the time. It doesn't mean I'm working less hard. Let's just say I'm trying to find a work life balance here. Making time for family and going out to catch up with friends is life to me and they can be more important than work. Its whats making me feel alive and still progressing with what's happening in this world.

Just like this show, Val was the one who introduced me to it. That's how information is exhanged.